titles are too much commitment

No one reads my fucking blog.

2010-08-31T16:45:00.001-04:00

Thanks a lot, friends.

A New World Order

2010-08-25T10:01:00.005-04:00

Last night Beaner and I went to see a play and when we came out there were two flyers on our windshield campaigning for a "New World Order" -- a world with One Religion, One Government, One Language and I'm assuming One Crazy Ass Cult Leader who is going to make everyone drink Kool-Aid and die.

Who put these flyers on my car? I would really like to know because I'm kind of afraid of that person. Also, I feel violated. Don't touch my car with your cultyness.

And why would you put TWO flyers? One would think that with all this One-ness of the cult, One Flyer would be enough. Stupids.

Here's what I think: A world with only One of everything would be boring - I don't care what Bono and Lennon and Marley say about it. It would be really effing lame. Think about it... One Flavour of ice cream - so long Baskin Robbins and your 37 delicious flavours or however many there are. Or One Breed of dog - what would that breed be? One kind of juice... would it be apple? grape? orange? or something no one likes, like prune? That would suck balls. One language? Really? Which one? English, I'm assuming - since the New World Order flyer was printed in English. That's stupid. I happen to like all our languages - they're beautiful! Especially Italian and French... and German is hilarious - no matter what you say in German, it sounds angry.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Just - whoever it was - don't put flyers on my car. I hate that. ESPECIALLY messed up culty ones like that. It weirded me out WAY too much.

One weird Sunday night...

2010-08-24T15:45:00.008-04:00

Monday posts seem so intense... and Friday posts just make no sense. (I rhymed!) See how my brain drains over the course of the week??? This place is KILLING ME! Perhaps softly, like the Fugees said, but still - killing me nonetheless. Nonetheless is an awesome-looking word.

So today's Tuesday - which means it can't be quite so intense as Monday's post.

Sunday evening, Beaner and I took Baby Dog for a walk after the rain finally stopped. It rained for 16 hours straight, you know. I am sure of it because I kept track. It started at 5:30pm at work Saturday night - and rained all the way through until 11:30am on Sunday. I woke up a gazillion times in the night (and by "gazillion" I mean at least three) and each time said out loud, "My word! It's still raining! It's been raining for 12 hours!" --- I said that every time. And when I woke up at 9:30 am and it was still raining, I sat up in bed and said, "REALLY?! It's been raining for 12 hours!" and Beaner said, "Fuck Nikki, you said that 4 hours ago and then 3 hours ago and then again 2 hours ago... your math is wrong." HA! That's why I love him. He's funny! As if my math being wrong is the most annoying part of that story... not me repeating myself every hour in the night. Repetition is fine, as long as your math is accurate. Oh, Beaner.

ANYWAY... I DIGRESS...
So we're walking Baby Dog and we decide to cut through the Harry Potter School grounds down the street... Once we entered the gates, we passed four bunnies right after each other - I think these are the ones that the underclass magicians pull from their hats. I was afraid that Baby Dog was going to bolt after them, because a few weeks ago, she killed a baby bunny. It was devastating. I'll get to that story another day; I don't want to relive it now, it's too sad.

So anyway, I gave Beaner the leash so he could hold her back and I yelled, "Hold her back! HOLD HER BACK!"... even though she was not trying to go. She's smarter than that, she knows she needs to behave herself on the Harry Potter School grounds and not cause a fuss like I was doing, because drawing attention to yourself means weird things will happen and you may be turned into a crustacean or a rodent or a pile of dust. Turns out, my yelling did attract the attention of some Magician Professor who was unpacking his Beamer to move back in for the school year... and he started to walk towards us! We got a little scared, so we said, "Hello." and put our heads down and just kept on walking. All was well on that front. Catastrophe avoided.

So then, we noticed there were a bunch of people and with them, a bunch of dogs off-leash in the middle of the field. We were wondering what was going on but didn't dare go over there because it always seems like the things going on at the Harry Potter School are always just slightly weird - in a fancy-ass, rich kind of way. I guess at that point, Baby Dog decided it was a great time to drop a deuce, and as I was picking it up (because Beaner refuses), two of the leashless dogs came running at us. I wasn't afraid, because they were small little ankle-biters and not scary at all - Baby Dog didn't even get excited about them, she was being a very very good girl. I wonder if she had a close call on the Harry Potter School grounds sometime?

Where was I going with this... oh, yes, so this woman chased after the dogs and got to us and this is what happened:

WOMAN: "Hi! Are you guys staying at Sarah's house?"
NIKKI: "Um... no..."
WOMAN: "Do you live on campus?"
BEANER: "Um... no... we live down the street."
WOMAN: "Oh. Well, bye!"
NIKKI & BEANER: "Bye..."
NIKKI: "That was weird."
BEANER: "And a bit presumptuos... Who is Sarah?"

My Beaner is so funny. He makes me laugh.
I'm not sure exactly where I was going with that story, but I'm done now. I gotta tell you though, the night just got weirder from there... I'm glad Sunday's done. The end.

Philosophical Thoughts for the Day

2010-08-23T11:01:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure why, but last night I was lying in bed thinking to myself, "What is my earliest memory?" --- and you know, I couldn't figure it out! I kept thinking of things but realizing that I didn't actually remember that, I just know there's a photo of it, and the photo leads me to create a memory. That's not a true memory.

So I'm trying to figure out, at what age do we start to log things into our memory bank? I know it has to be immediate, because otherwise we would never learn anything - but maybe our memory banks are too full of useful knowledge in those early years to actually have room for memories of experiences?

I can remember snippets of my early childhood - things that I saw, or felt, or smelled, or tasted, or heard... but I can't remember anything really significant. I remember floating around on my Nana's pool in a plastic turtle, and I remember the seat of the turtle was frayed - but I don't know how old I was, or who I was with. It's strange though, the image of the frayed seat is so vivid in my memory... why? I also vividly remember the texture and colour of my sister's bedroom carpet, and the way my dog's fur felt on my face when I would rest my head on her and give her a hug. But those are just my senses, which obviously are (or were) very acute. I remember the smell of my Mum's roast beef dinners, and the smell of the linen closet because I always hid there when we played hide and seek. It smelled like clean laundry and plastic, because the package of toilet paper was kept there too. And I remember the light in the linen closet, it had a pull-cord. I guess I hung out in there a lot.

But why can't I remember anything actually happening? Anything involving other people? The earliest thing I can think of is my Dad carrying me into my bed, when he would work nights and I would sleep with my Mum... I would be so warm, and I knew Dad was so careful not to wake me so I would pretend to still be sleeping, and my bed would be so cold but somehow it was refreshing, and I would fall right back to sleep. I think that's the earliest I can think of, and I think I was probably 3 or 4 years old. I have lots of memories from when I was school-age... but that's probably my most vivid memory as a toddler.

What happened in those first 3-4 years? From pictures, I know a lot of things that happened, but why can't I remember? I wish I could.

Billy the Bird, Billy the Badass

2010-08-20T09:41:00.004-04:00

Let's start Friday off right... with another funny bird! Funny birds make me so happy, and I can't really explain why. I guess I just find them hilariously humanlike. Here's my favourite for today:

What is going on with this little guy??? Where are his wings? They're there, so I don't think this is something to be sad about... they are just really small. But let me tell you what I saw when I first glanced at this gem - machine guns. I thought the bird was holding machine guns. Tell me you didn't think that too. The wings look like arms, and he's holding them at the perfect machine gun shooting angle. And look at the way he's standing - he's using his legs to brace himself for the kick back. And his eyes - tell me that's not a Rambo bandanna on his face... and such determination in his expression - he's on a mission. It's not rage. It's not even just anger. It's "I got shit to do so get outta my way or I'm gonna blow you to bits, punk."

This bird is awesome. I want to take him home with me so he can be my friend. I shall call him Billy, because he reminds me of Billy from Predator. I really liked Billy, too bad he had to die. He was super badass. HE knew all about taking one for the team. Billy wasn't a talker, he was a doer. He got shit done. He had your back and you fucking KNEW IT. That's why this little bird is called Billy. He deserves the name. He's got these little wings, just like Nemo - except he doesn't hang back and not fly into the open air because his wings are small... no, this guy doesn't have time for flying anyway. He's got shit to do, people to kill, buildings to blow up, and kittens to save - cause not only is he super badass, but he's got a big heart too - so he'll save those kittens, knowing full well that when they grow up they're just going to hunt him down and try to eat him. He doesn't care. He can deal with those punks later, cause right now he's too busy to think about that - HE'S GOT SHIT TO DO!

To Billy:

Tuesday Night Poll

2010-08-19T15:20:00.005-04:00

Beaner took a poll on Tuesday night. He called a bunch of our friends to ask, "How many times do you change your underwear in a day?" Oddly enough, our friends responded quite well:

Kentucky Terminator: 1
Creeper McFly: 0 (as the name suggests...)
LeeLee: 1-2
The Accountant: 0 (the calculator goes commando)

DeBarbs: 1
My Jen: 1
DP: 2
Beaner: 1
Nikki: 3-4

Dean was trying to prove a point - that I change too often. He thinks 3-4 times is too many. But here's what I do: Wake up and put on clean underpants (1), go for a run and then shower and change into clean underpants (2), go to work all day then come home and change into comfy clothes and at the same time change my underpants (3) and then at bedtime, fresh underpants with my PJs (4) ... on running days, it's 4. On non-running days, it's 3. I think I'm reasonable, and they're all sub-par in the hygiene area... No article of clothing will rest on my behind for longer than 8 hours - that is non-negotiable! I can't even fathom the idea of wearing a pair of underpants all day at work, coming home and changing pants but not underpants, and then as if that wasn't bad enough... going to SLEEP in said underpants!

You KNOW I love you unconditionally, but that's just not right, people!!! You need to step up your underwear-changing-act. Just sayin.

B2: Judgement Blog (aka Nikki Learns to Drive Stick)

2010-08-19T12:00:00.007-04:00

It's time to revive the blog, babies!

I was inspired by Nibbles, really... she's started this awesome dating chronicle. She's like the new Carrie Bradshaw... except she's not Carrie, she's Nibbles and she's not in NYC she's in TO and she doesn't spend a ridiculous amount of money on shoes, although she does love them - just not enough to go into debt. I digress. Nibbles' blog inspired me to revive TATMC, so here I am, reviving the hell out of it!

Last night, my Kentucky friend, The Terminator, took me out and taught me how to drive stick. HA! That always sounds so bad. Kentucky Terminator is a girl, ok? Doesn't matter, it still sounds dirty. Kentucky Terminator enlightened me in the art of manually manipulating a five speed transmission. There's no way to say it! When cars are involved, it just sounds dirrrrrty. Back to the matter at hand - I learned last night how to drive standard, and I ROCKED THE SHIT OUT OF IT!!! That's right, lil' ol' me, I owned it! I'm going to go out again. I'm so proud. Bad call wearing flip flops though, I won't do that again. And whoever that asshole was behind me at the stop sign who honked at me after I killed it three times trying to go - FUCK YOU, BUDDY!

I can't believe it's been almost a year and a half since my last blog, and I feel like I have nothing much to say. I think it's because I'm married now, and therefore I am old and boring. Or maybe it's because Nibbles is gone, and Megoo is gone, and Mr. In Charge is never here, and Wilbur/Wendel/Wallace/Whateverthehellhisnameis never eats with us anymore, because there is no us anymore... God, that's depressing.

I have Mr. Wendal in my head now. By Arrested Development. Remember those guys??? Awesome. "He gives me some knowledge, I buy him some shoes. Mr Wendallll yeahhhhh.... ohhhhhh Mr Wendallll...." *smile*

I'm going to have to check back in later when I'm feeling funny. I just spent the last 2 hours reading old postings and they are SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS ONE! I'm sorry. I guess I'm just ininspired.

OH AND PS: The Zombie Walk has found its way to my hometown. FML.

Got no heat... Should've paid that utility bill...

2009-03-13T18:16:00.002-04:00

No I'm kidding. I'm really good at paying my bills. But we got a boiler (it was expensive - more than we anticipated - I don't want to talk about it.) ... and it's taking longer than expected to install. So tonight, we have no heat. They gave us two space heaters. Small ones! Two! For the whole damn house! What is that going to do??!! Idiots. I'm double-sweatering it and my toes are damn cold. Maybe I'll just use the oven.

Oh - AND... they peed in my toilet and didn't flush it. Okay, fair enough - they had to turn the water off and therefore couldn't flush and probably just forgot - but still... I came home to someone else's pee in my toilet! Ew.

The end. No pic today.

Smelly Dog Farts

2009-03-10T19:33:00.004-04:00

My dog farts. It's not normal. I know it's not normal. It happens way too often, and they smell way too bad for it to be normal. And they are loud too! Most dog farts are silent, but not Chloe's. Hers make a distinct fart sound. Even she thinks it's not normal! I know this, because when she does a loud fart, she turns around and stares at her bum like, 'What the HELL was THAT?!! ... arf.'

We asked the vet about it, she suggested switching her food to something more nutritious (and therefore more expensive) - we did that. Didn't help.

We tried to test her treats to see what ones make her fart. The result: either all of them, or none of them. So that wasn't much help either.

We tried cutting back her food - so now she gets only her alotted 3.5 cups per day (ish) ... we're definitely not overfeeding now. She still farts.

So what do we do? I mean really - I love her dearly, farts and all... but it sucks living in a house full of smelly dog farts. I need some sage advice here.

Bad News... and Another Funny Bird

2009-02-24T09:29:00.004-05:00

So the bad news is I need a new boiler. Do you KNOW how much that costs?!?!?!! Our first quote was:
$7500 + $975 tax + $450 Energy Audit - $1350 gov't rebate = $7575 (not including warranty). AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

But last night we met with the boiler guy who happens to be a good friend's brother, and he was at least able to swing us a bit of a deal - so now our official quote is:
$7400 (includes tax AND 10yr warranty) + $450 Energy Audit - $1350 gov't rebate = $6500

That's a little better. Thank GOD (or - thank ADAM... that's the boiler guy.)

Let's hope that Deaner get's a decent tax refund this year (me too I guess, although I never get a decent one, EVER.) --- and if anyone feels the need to help, donations will be greatly appreciated! :o) hahaha

So after much thought, I have come to the conclusion that having to put $6500 on our line of credit (therefore maxxing out our line of credit) for an unforseen boiler purchase is not ALL bad... I mean, it's not like I crashed the car and we need to buy a new vehicle. THAT would be a stupid waste of money. The boiler is actually an investment. Obviously it will increase the value of our house, not to mention save us a bit on utility bills (including water heater rental - because the boiler has a built in water heater) AND it's much much safer than our existing boiler, which is 40 years old (life expectancy: 20 years) and is missing a low-water shutoff valve (which means if there's a water leak, the boiler won't shut off and will run dry and explode) --- so I mean, let's look at the bright side of things... right?

I still don't feel much better about it though. I think another funny bird picture will cheer me up. Ohhhh funny bird pictures...

He's so cute!!! No - SHE'S so cute!!! Look at those eyelashes and the pink eyeshadow, that's definitely a girl bird. Or a cross-dressing male. No, it's a girl. I can tell by her "I'm looking down my beak at you because you're an inferior being" look.

OH FOR FUCKS SAKES - I JUST SPILLED MY TEA ALL OVER MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALLLLLL OVER MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things I Loved When I Was a Kid That I Probably Had and Want Back Now

2009-02-20T10:22:00.009-05:00

Hugga Bunch. I had a puzzle, which I can NOT find online, that was my most favourite thing of my life. They were these cute little stuffed cartoon dollies living in a soft cushy pink pillow world sliding down a curly slide and landing on a pile of pillows - and every time I played with that puzzle (daily) I imagined it was real and in my memory, it is totally real. I remember the pillow tree and the curly pink slide and the stripey pillows at the bottom... and I WANT IT BACK!

I can't find the puzzle, but I can find these and I want them ALL.

The Hugga Bunch Movie:

The Hugga Bunch View Master:

The Hugga Bunch Dolls:

And a Hugga Bunch Button:

And this is all I have thought about for the last hour and a half.

LIAR

2009-02-11T16:23:00.001-05:00

That last post totally lied. I posted it like ten minutes ago, NOT on January 7. WTF?

WHERE AM I?!?!?

2009-01-07T16:11:00.012-05:00

December 15? REALLY!? It's been a long time since I blogged, apparantly.

But here's the thing with me - I lose interest in things in about three seconds. The fact that I even blogged more than once is actually quite astonishing, and mostly only due to the tremendous amount of support and encouragement I received from my friends. That is, until they lost interest as well.

But did they lose interest because I stopped blogging? Or did I stop blogging because they lost interest? Why the hell am I so existential today? Is existential even the right word to use there? I don't even know. What I do know is that I'm sick of opening my blog and seeing Miss Canada staring back at me. She's gotta be the FIRST thing to go. I have a funny picture of a bird on my desktop - that is my new pic. Funny birds make me laugh.

I have a LOT of questions in my head today. I'm in professional limbo, I was just on a huge sugar high and have crashed HORRIBLY, my dog is sick and I'm feeling very curious about the world in general. No one has answers for me...

I have an idea - I'm going to write down my questions. If you have an answer for me, please comment. Shed some light on my dark and dreary confusion...

Here goes!
1) Say you were to go to a THIRD interview for a potential job, and during said interview your potential employer said such things as:
"This is Bill... Once we narrow it down to one final applicant, we like them to meet Bill."
and "So your salary range would be ______, and commission would begin ______ months."

and "I would like to train you in depth."
and "How much notice do you have to give your current employer?"

and "Well - I guess all that's left to do is call you."--- Is it safe to assume that you have the job?

2) Assuming your answer to question #1 is "yes" ... if you were to then find out that this potential employer was interviewing SOMEONE ELSE for THE SAME JOB the next morning, would you be allowed to be just a little pissed off?

3) Assuming your answer to question #3 is "yes"... if you were then to start really worrying that maybe the answer to #1 is "no", and therefore the answer to #2 is also "no" - is it normal to start really feeling like a big dumb idiot?

4) Say your puppy was standing in the living room and all of a sudden she just peed on the floor, without even squatting - would you think this could be the result of a bladder infection? Or would you think it just means that she's possessed, because the girl in the exorcist did that?

5) Is it possible that giving a puppy very strong antibiotics could cause a bladder infection?

6) How does wind happen? I mean really - how does that even happen?!

7) On a scale of one to ten, one being "This one time at church my grandma gave me a dollar to put in the basket." and ten being "This one time my dad laughed so hard he dropped his dentures on the floor, and then when he bent down to pick them up he farted and his pants split right at the ass!" --- how funny is this bird?!?

HE'S ELVIS AND A WICKER PLACEMAT AND A PUPPET BIRD ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!
I'm so distracted by this bird that I can't think of anything else to say!

Except that I give him an eleven.

Miss Canada

2008-12-15T10:08:00.004-05:00

In the most random of all randomness... Yesterday we hung out with Miss Canada. She's a very sweet girl - she joined us for Brunch at Beaner's Mom & Dad's house. The only thing that sucked about that was that we were there to celebrate Beaner's cousin (nickname) Chezza's 30th birthday, and Miss Canada (unintentionally) stole her thunder. I felt for her... she was sitting there opening her presents, star of the show... and then the door opens and in waltzes Miss Canada and everyone bails to go check out the cooler guest of honour! So she's just sitting there opening her presents all by herself. Or maybe Gramma stuck around to watch... I know for sure Grampa was up and ready to check out Miss Canada in case she was hot. He's hilariously old and perverted. Hahhaa... I love Grampa!

And I guess Miss Canada broke her crown, so Beaner's dad was volunteered to fix it. So of course, the whole party (minus the birthday girl and Gramma and me - out of principle) moved into the garage to check out Miss Canada's crown. Oooh ahhhhh... I would have been SO PISSED if it was my birthday!!!
Let me rewind. Why was Miss Canada hanging out with us, you might ask? Besides the obvious (we're super cool and why wouldn't Miss Canada hang out with us?) ... the real reason is Beaner's sister - let's call her Candy - has been working for World Vision, and apparantly so is Miss Canada for the next month or so during her Ontario tour. So I guess Miss Canada's chaperone has been kind of sucky, because she had to go to the airport one day and her ride never showed and Candy had to drive her there. Now they are like bestest buds (aka Candy thinks Miss Canada is the best thing since gluten-free bread and I feel like Candy kind of wants to kiss her shit.) So instead of the stupid chaperone taking Miss Canada on her Niagara Falls/Niagara-on-the-Lake Tour, Candy offered to do it. It worked out really well for Candy, considering... she brought her two girls along and they all got to ride with Miss Canada in the Niagara-on-the-Lake Christmas Parade in a Lexus Convertible. And they got free meals and hotels and all that shit. And they participated in the official opening of the Festival of Lights in Niagara Falls. And they got a free helicopter ride.

But that is CLASSIC Candy to steal Chezza's birthday party thunder. I mean, she was OBNOXIOUS. Kind of like the time Beaner and I got engaged, and got the fam together to announce it and five seconds later, Candy decided THAT was the appropriate time to concoct a plan to leave her husband. THANKS. Chezza - I feel your pain.

The Shawning

2008-12-09T16:31:00.009-05:00

all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl
all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl

all work and no play makes nikki a dull girl

For some reason, there is this nutso drum music going down on the other side of the wall. Nothing else, just drums... sort of like in Jumanji. But even creepier - it makes me feel like maybe it's like the Shining. Maybe there are no drums at all and it's all in my head and I'm working too hard and I'm going to FREAKING LOSE IT and go on a rampage with an axe.

But wait --- Me? Work too hard? That right there is the funniest thing I have ever written in this blog...

Retraction

2008-12-08T11:09:00.002-05:00

Since writing "For Megoo" (Nov 14) http://wompitywompwomp.blogspot.com/2008/11/for-megoo.html - I have grown up a bit. I failed to mention that saying "Tres cool = tres lame" would have been funny, had I said it to the person who said "tres cool" in the first place. But instead of doing that, I said "tres cool = tres lame" to someone else. And that wasn't very nice. So in a nutshell, I fucked up. It was jerky and I apologized and now we're friends again. I still don't like whisky though - so I'm going to rename Jack Daniels. She will now be called Coffchocolate. The end.

Here's how stupid I am...

2008-12-04T15:56:00.003-05:00

We had to go to Shittsburgh last night for a work function, and didn't get home until 2am... So of course I slept in and came in to work for 11am. And then today at 3pm, this happened:
BOSS: Nikki, you're probably exhausted - you can go home if you want.
ME: I'm not tired - I slept in and came in for 11.

BOSS: Oh.. well nevermind then!

STUPID.

This is a funny bird.

Pony Boots

2008-12-02T10:52:00.011-05:00

Last night, we took Baby Dog for a walk in the cold cold rain. It was a LONG walk, too. Because at lunch yesterday, Megoo and Miss Cutie made me feel so damn guilty for not walking her as often as I should (or ever)... so I drove home in the piss-pouring freezing rain, the whole time damn determined to take my Baby Dog for a walk, come hell or high water - we were going and it was going to be a good one.

So I made dinner, and after dinner we went on our way. And we went on a good long walk, ending at Starbucks (which is right beside Petsmart) - we were planning on getting a treat for us, and then a treat for Baby Dog. We got to Starbucks and I waited outside with the puppa while Beaner went inside and got us each a tall Caramel Salted Hot Chocolate... damn, that's a good beverage. Looks like this: Really - it's good. Try it sometime. So anyway - I was waiting outside, and I noticed that there was blood on the ground. (OH NO!) I looked at Baby Dog's paw, and sure enough - it was bleeding profusely! (AWWW BABY DOG!!!) The only thing to do was to bring her to Petsmart and let them figure it out - obviously. So that's what we did.

Beaner grabbed a handful of napkins, and we carried her over to Petsmart. We got in there, and it was like we just marched into an emergency room. The doors opened for us, and we carried her in and kneeled down on the floor mat and said, "We need help - she's bleeding!" The girl at the cash (she was soooo sweet) came over right away - she left all the people in her line up and sat on the floor and we held the puppa and she looked at her paw. Then Baby Dog kicked her in the face. What a jerk, eh? But the girl kept trying and once we found out there was no glass in it (phew!) we were relieved - but she had skinned the pad of her little foot, and it must have hurt really bad... but we still had to walk home! So the girl went down the "dog apparel aisle" (an aisle which I hate...) and grabbed Baby Dog a set of booties. We stuck a napkin in the bottom of the boot and put it on her bleeding foot. Then we put the rest of the booties on and laughed at her while she tried to get some traction on the floor... she was like Bambi on ice. Fabulous. Her booties look like this:

They are hilarious. They are reflective! And she totally overcompensates for them - so when we were walking, she was taking these GIANT steps - she looked like a pony in reflective boots! Anyway - then we grabbed her some liver treats because we felt bad for taking her on such a long walk that she skinned her paw... And we went back to Starbuck's and bought the sweet Petsmart girl her own Caramel Salted Hot Chocolate. Because she was really nice. And she said ours smelled yummy.

As funny as Baby Dog's booties are though, they really help her little feet. Imagine walking around in bare feet in this weather! You wouldn't want to do it. So I'm glad we bought them. I never would have bought them on a regular day because I think dogs wearing clothes is so stupid... but I had to get her the booties. And she already has a sweater, because her belly is bare and she shivers. Oh well - I guess that's what happens. When I was Google Image-ing "dog boots", I found these ones:
How awesome are THOSE?! Once she's full-grown, Baby Dog is TOTES getting these slick-ass booties!!! She can wear them up to the cottage and stuff - and look at the traction on those puppies! No sliding around on the Petsmart floor in these boots. Yeah, she's getting them for sure. DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMN STRAIGHT. Now I have to find her a coat to match.

bubblewrap

2008-12-01T15:35:00.005-05:00

This morning I was VERY productive... and this afternoon, I'm cutting bubblewrap.
With every piece I cut, I lose a little bit of my soul.
I think it takes about - let's see... 2 minutes to cut a sheet. And each sheet gives me 14 small strips of bubblewrap. So I'm losing 14 pieces of my sould every 2 minutes. That's 7 pieces per minute... THAT'S 420 PIECES PER HOUR! Is my math right? I have 13 sheets of bubblewrap to cut - which gives me 182 pieces of my soul - GONE.

I'm not getting paid enough for this.

And then earlier today - Jaberwakky walked out of her office, spit on a Kleenex (making this TERRIBLE spitty sound) and then wiped the counter with it. Right beside the printer. I will never touch that counter again for as long as I live. That's the most disgusting thing I've seen since I saw that hugely fat lady at my last job leave the bathroom without washing her hands.
Gross man. GROSS.

Searching for a somewhat humorous picture of bubblewrap on Google Images took me like 20 minutes... This is the best I could do. But at least now it's 4pm and almost hometime. Whatever I don't cut will just be here for me in the morning, though... so off I go to waste my life...

PS: That's NOT me in the bubblewrap. I would never have ugly bangs like that. Nor would I ever wrap myself in bubblewrap. That would stink and feel gross and make me claustrophobic and probably suffocate. Stupid woman.

Fucking Zombies.

2008-11-28T13:53:00.000-05:00

I dreamed about them again last night. In my dream, they came to my annual Christmas Potluck party. They crashed it. Fucking zombies - that's crossing the line.
I tried to Google Image "zombie" but the results scared me so there's no pic for this post.

"Just DON'T fall in the milk!!!"

2008-11-28T13:43:00.003-05:00

Mr. In Charge ranted today about how stupid the movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids is...
Not the concept of the movie - but the way the kids react to their unfortunate circumstances.

He was like, "So I hate how they went to the lawn. Why would you go to the lawn!? You should go somewhere OBVIOUS and be like, 'HEY! I'm shrunk! DO something about it!!!' ... They're so stupid. And what's with the cereal part? They were so dumb. Just DON'T fall in the milk! And run away from the dustpan - hide behind something... and get on the table and like, move a cup! If I saw the cup move on it's own, I'd be like 'Hey - look at that!' and I'd look down and see them standing there. It's stupid. I hate it."

It was awesome.

Some of the best e-cards I've ever seen:

2008-11-27T16:02:00.011-05:00

WEDDING!!! (woot woot!!!)

2008-11-27T09:54:00.007-05:00

Guess what?
Finally - after being engaged for two and a half years - we're starting to talk WEDDING!!!
I just emailed the sales contact so we should be signing a contract next weekend... SCARY!!!
Here's my dress - it looks like Paris Hilton is wearing it. That's definitely not me:

And here is a rough idea of what I want for a cake (minus all the swirls):

And using all this as a guide, my friend Sammo (www.alliknowistonight.blogspot.com) and her hubby are going to work on some pretty little invitations and other stationery...
That's about all I got. I'm just excited.

Stay tuned... wedding date is set to be May 29, 2010 so I have a ridiculous amount of time to be obsessed with all of this. (I hope that date is still available...)

Baby Dog's a Bitch

2008-11-27T09:45:00.005-05:00

Baby Dog pissed on the floor THREE TIMES last night.
What is her problem? We need to get her signed up for puppy classes, because she's being a bitch.
And also - she bit Beaner's dad on the face and made him bleed for like 10 minutes. She bit me a bunch of times too, and gave me a fat lip with her huge paw. She's being really bad. I feel like she's acting out because we haven't taken her for a walk in, oh... a week? Maybe more? So we are going to walk her tonight - and take her to the dog park on Sunday afternoon. But isn't that rewarding her bad behaviour?

I need to learn to think like a dog so I can figure this shit out.

PS: That's Nibbles holding the Baby Dog... she has a fancy watch. Nibbles - not Baby Dog. If I bought Baby Dog a fancy watch she'd just chew it and I'd get mad. Not that I bought Nibbles her watch, because I didn't. I need to stop now.

Not Feeling Funny Today

2008-11-25T14:05:00.003-05:00

So - I must apologize for my boring blog yesterday... although today is not going to be much better. This place I call Hell that others call Work is leaving me totally uninspired.

This place has so much drama. It's actually ridiculous how catty and childish and RUDE a lot of the people around here can be. And the best part is - they all seem to think they are above it. Newsflash: you're not. For example:

If you were pushing 60, would you want to sit at the lunch table with the 20-somethings and roll your eyes at their 'this one time
I was soooo hammered...' stories? Or would you sit at the table with the other 50-somethings and chat about gardening?

If someone called you and asked if you were busy, would you say: "Am I busy? HA! That's funny. Am I busy..." or would you just say, "Actually yes I am - I have a lot going on at the moment."

If someone asked you to drop something in the mail for them, would you come back with a suggestion on how to better address a label, or would you just drop it in the damn mailbox and keep your bossy mouth shut?

Oh my - this place is making me a bitter biatch. I think it's making me age faster than I should.

Sorry for pissing and moaning... I can't help it - I'm just not feeling funny today.

Mail Merges

2008-11-24T15:36:00.003-05:00

... make me want to kill myself.

Watercooler Conversations

2008-11-20T14:03:00.008-05:00

And by watercooler, I mean lunch table...

Sauce Dances!

With Megoo, Nibbles, Wilfrid (previously known as Wilbur and then Wendel) & Mr. In Charge

Why were we even talking about this? I think it started because of the soya sauce.

The Soya Sauce Dance:
For some reason Wilfrid decided that Mr. In Charge should have a Soya Sauce Dance.
IT MAKES NO SENSE. It could have been a racial slur... But then we thought the Soya Sauce Dance would be much like the Salsa, except with a little less heat and a little more salt - whatever that means.

The Frank's Red Hot Sauce Dance:

And then Wilfrid said if he was a sauce dance, he would be Frank's Red Hot Sauce and he would just stand still. And we decided that would be boring as hell. That's when Nibbles got involved... and then we decided the dance would become hot as hell. Because Nibbles is pretty hot.

The Ketchup Dance:

At this point, Wilfrid then proceeded to jerk himself forward in this awkward sudden motion as though someone was slapping him on the ass with the butt of their hand, not unlike the way one would slap a ketchup bottle to get the ketchup out. It made me a little uncomfortable, I'm not going to lie.

The Gravy Dance:

So this is when I said if I was a dance, hands-down I'd be Gravy. And we were trying to figure out what the gravy dance would look like... it would be oozy at first, but as time wore on it would begin to coagulate. Megoo said the instructions would be like this:
And... turn and pivot and turn and pivot and COAGULATE! 2-3-4...COAGULATE! 2-3-4...

I'm not sure that blogging about this dance quite gives it justice.

But what goes with gravy? MASHED POTATOES. So Mr. In Charge said, "I'd be Mashed Potatoes." So - now let me set this up: I'm Gravy, and Mr. In Charge is Mashed Potatoes... and Wilfrid says, "So Gravy is doing its thing, and then Mashed Potatoes squirts in!" This is when I had to stop the conversation. It was getting a bit too sexual. And I'm engaged. JEEEEEEEZUS.

Missed Opportunity...

With Megoo

Everyone has had a school crush. So everyone can relate to this one. I'm just going to script the conversation (between me and Megoo) - with a secret blogname for the crush, of course... We're going to call him Pizza Pizzerton. BECAUSE I LOVE PIZZA. Not because his name sounds like... nevermind.

Last week:

M: So my boyfriend and his friend, Pizza, were sitting on the couch...

N: Wait - his friend Pizza? Is Pizza's last name Pizzerton?
M: Yeah, Pizza Pizzerton!

N: Hey I know that guy! I went to school with him - I had a crush on him in Grade 6!

M: Hahhahaa...

N: But he didn't like me back, jerkface. Oh, my dashed self-esteem... *tear!

Today:
M: Hey I told Pizza about you.

N: What did you say?
M: I said, "Hey my friend knows you - do you know Nikki?"

N: Did he know me?

M: Yeah - he said, "Yeah I remember her! I had a crush on her in Grade 6!"

N: HA! Really? You're lying.

M: No - that's what he said. And I said, "She said the same thing!"

N: Hahaha... And what did he say?

M: "Huh. Missed opportunity, I guess."

Facegasms (oh God...)

With Megoo & Nibbles

I really like sneezing. So I mentioned this when someone sneezed.
I said, "Do you like sneezing? I really love sneezing."
And Megoo (who always just gets it) said, "Oh yeah - it's like an orgasm exploding out of your face!"

Totes. I completely agree.

But just in case I didn't, she followed it with, "It is! You know when it's coming and then it's like an explosion!"

And then Nibbles wanted to say something, but she thought it would be inappropriate. I don't know what it could be, but at this point... what is inappropriate?

Sidenote: The whole time I was trying to write this, Mr. In Charge wouldn't stop talking like a robot and it was incredibly distracting. PS: I work in a mental institution.

Really?! REALLY?!?!?!

2008-11-19T10:04:00.015-05:00

Last night I was plagued by awful dreams... AGAIN.

Why do I have such vivid, disturbing dreams all the time?! Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm like Wes Craven, and maybe I should be making money off of these damn nightmares too! Because it's really NOT COOL.

I remember three separate dreams:

THE FIRST:
I was at work. Doing regular work stuff. And that sucks - because then the alarm goes off, and guess what? I have to go to work for real and it's like I just worked a double.

THE SECOND:
I had yet another zombie dream. No werewolves this time - but it was like, a continuation of the first zombie dream... I distinctly remember remembering my last dream during this dream, if that makes any sense. But at least this dream was a little better because there were no werewolves as I said - AND - I inexplicably had the power to become invisible. That, and a car horn (?) was my only defense against the zombies... I tried outrunning them in the car, but the car was so slow, and couldn't make it up a hill - so instead I just honked at them and it scared them for a bit, but then they got used to it and all I could rely on were my powers of invisibility. Whatever - the point is... the zombies need to get out of my head. It's affecting my quality of life.

Oh hey - that reminds me - my friend Nibbles looks out for me, and she let me know that every October there is a Zombie Walk in Toronto and that I should stay away from the city on that day... Thanks Nibbles!!! Because - say I was to randomly decide to go to Toronto on THAT DAY... and I go into a store, and come out and the street is full of zombies... well I think I would probably drop dead on the spot. I would look like the girl in the closet in The Ring. Totes. I would. So she pretty much saved my life... Nibbles is a good girl. (Megoo gave Nibbles her name - I stole it!)

Oh and furthermore to this zombie rant - me and Nibbles and our friend Mr. In Charge were talking about the nightmare, and Nibbles said it's a damn good thing there aren't really zombies in real life... and I said, yeah - because if there were, I'd just off myself. And then Mr. In Charge said if zombies came into the office he'd start doing the Thriller dance, and I said he's a lying sack of crap - and to prove my point I demonstrated just how a zombie would walk into the office... and I scared myself. Now I'm afraid because say they did come into the office - I would be trapped in the corner... this would become Pod Certain Doom. Oh God I hope that doesn't happen...

THE THIRD (AND WORST OF ALL):

I dreamed I was on my way to a party - and guess who was driving? None other than Henry Hill. I was stuck in a car with him. I don't mean Ray Liotta in Goodfellas - I mean "Henry Hill" ... which is the nickname Wendel and I gave to this guy we work with who is pretty much the most annoying guy in the history of the world. I think I can honestly say I've never detested any one person so much in my life. And not only is he annoying - but he's a rat. Hence the nickname, Henry Hill. Anyway - being stuck in a car with him is way worse than any zombie situation I could ever find myself in.

So yeah - didn't sleep well. I'm tired.

Why is snacking so difficult? And why is it so damn cold?!

2008-11-18T12:06:00.008-05:00

Lunch is not until 12:30 and it's 12:09 - and I've been hungry since at least 11:46. I have some snacks stashed in my desk... I have a bag of organic pumpkin seeds, and several bags of chipnuts: Ranch , Salt & Vinegar and Dill Pickle. Since I'm hungry, I've decided to bust into my pantry cupboard in my desk. This should be a happy ending to an otherwise annoying story.
BUT NO.
The pumpkin seeds taste like cigarette butts. Organic, my ass!
And the Ranch Chipnuts are KILLING my teeth. I had to give them away! (*tear!)
So I'm still hungry, and it's still not lunch time, and this Pomegranate Green Tea I'm drinking is, contrary to popular belief, NOT suppressing my appetite!!!!!

And furthermore - it's so damn cold in here, I'm actually wearing my gloves. For real. And it's making it really hard to type... so I have backspaced more times than forwardspaced I think. This place is not-for-profit, and it's 'fiscal year end' - so I think they've shut off the heat in order to make budg. Assholes.

The lack of heat is causing my already low level of productivity at work to sink even lower... because I'm cold, I have to pee more often. I really don't know why - Megoo is going to Wikipedia it for me - but it makes me leave my desk a lot. And also because I'm cold, I drink more herbal tea to keep warm... which means I leave my desk a lot to make tea and chat in the lunchroom. Hey - maybe it's the tea that's making me pee, not the cold? Either way, they are still assholes. TURN ON THE DAMN HEAT!

uh-oh... Honey, the horoscope says you're gay!

2008-11-18T09:38:00.012-05:00

Ha!
Today my horoscope was (as always) pretty much spot on... It's creepy how accurate it tends to be. So, for shits & giggles, I thought I'd check Beaner's (my fiance's) horoscope - and this is what I got:

Taurus
Your key planet Venus receives a wake-up call from shocking Uranus today, opening your eyes to what's right in front of your face. It can also send electrical currents into your heart to open you up to a new kind of love. Being unconventional isn't your regular cup of tea, yet today you are able to wear your individuality well.

hahahahahaha...oh man... he's going to be SO mad at me if he reads this!!!

Bad Things, Good Things...

2008-11-17T10:23:00.014-05:00

So - the weekend is just way too short. I mean, honestly - it should be 5 days off, 2 days on (but with the same salary.)

Saturday:
We took Baby Dog to the vet in the morning - mostly for her next set of shots, but also to address this poop-eating habit she has picked up. It really upsets me that my dog eats poop. My dog eats poop! It's so disgusting. I mean granted - she's eating old, hard poop... it's not like she drops a steamer and turns around and starts chowing down - if she did that, I think I would have to disown her. But still - eating old, hard poop is still pretty gross. That first day - I caught her, and was so disgusted I gave her a bath immediately. She wasn't dirty in the conventional sense... but she was dirty to me. And then, for the rest of the day, I only referred to her as "Filthy Poo-Eater" - and she looked at me like she was offended. And I thought we had gotten over it... she didn't eat poop for two days after that. And now, she has started again. The vet says it's because the mom eats the puppies' poop to keep the kennel clean, and the puppy picks up on the habit. I think it's because she's a Filthy Poo-Eater.

Bad Thing: Baby Dog psychologically eff'd - she eats poop.
Good Thing: Baby Dog is physically healthy - and will now never contract the dreaded Kennel Cough (dun dun dun)
Side Note: As I read this, I think: "Ha! She called the shit 'poop'!"

Sunday:
I woke up feeling like ASS. I couldn't sleep. Well actually - I could sleep, but I wished I hadn't because I had these terrifying dreams... There were zombies chasing me. They wanted my heart. And then - there were werewolves too. They wanted my flesh. I know that zombies usually want brains, but in this case they were going for my heart. Either way, it's terrifying. Especially terrifying if you have an inexplicable (and irrational) fear of zombies. Fear isn't even the word - I am terrified of them. It's actually really sad. And werewolves terrify me too. I don't like the way they transform - it's incredibly disturbing.
Anyway, these nightmares (plural - because I wake up and fall back to sleep and BAM! I'm once again being chased by zombies and werewolves... I can't escape this nightmare!) - these nightmares really messed with my head, and I was kind of still scared all day. It was dreary and rainy and I felt like the zombies and werewolves could possibly still be after me. It's annoying because it's irrational.

Bad Thing: Zombies and werewolves haunt me in my sleep.
Good Thing: Zombies and werewolves don't haunt me in real life.
Side Note: One time not too long ago, my fiancee was pretending to be a zombie and it scared me so much I punched him in the face. I warned him first though. He was still pretty pissed about it.

That's about all I have to say right now - I'm sure as the day goes on, I'll have plenty of work-related bullshit to bitch about!

For Megoo

2008-11-14T16:10:00.012-05:00

Today I was telling my friend Megoo a story - and she thought I was so cool I should start a blog! So this blog is dedicated to Megoo. I couldn't choose a title though - because titles are too much commitment. Obviously.

PS: That's not her real name. I've changed it to protect her - because she's innocent. She's not one of the guilty ones... you'll know if someone's guilty because their fake name WILL NOT BE VERY NICE!

Moving on ...

Today was a rather shitty day here at the crap office in Pod Perfect. (That's where I live - Pod Perfect aka Pod Fart because someone keeps coming in here, saying something stupid, dropping a fart bomb, and leaving ... that someone would be ummm... let's name her Jaberwakky - the boss.)

The week is dragging, and I have decided that the odds of me dropping dead at my keyboard are quite high. But, in a perfect world, I would die and then immediately become one of those cobweb-ridden skeletons, hunched over my keyboard at a pathetic angle, to-do list in hand, still in tact... not unlike One-eyed Willy. Because that's how I feel right now.

Speaking of my To-Do List - I've started to add stupid things, just so I can cross them off, just so I look busy. I have added:

Lunch (check)
Check email (check)
Tea (check)
Random photocopies (check)
Shred some stuff (check)

You know, I don't know why I do this - the only one who actually reads my To-Do List is me. So I'm only lying to myself here. Huh.

4:31.
29 minutes til the weekend (woot woot!!!)

Is saying woot woot tres lame? Saying tres anything is tres lame.

QUESTION:
If you actually in real life said out loud the words, "Tres cool!"... and someone called you on it, and told you that saying that is "Tres lame"... would you get mad?

Just asking... Because that happened, and I think I would thank the person who called me on it, for helping me to never say something so ridiculous again... but instead - I got in trouble for making the correction.

This might be confusing to read... but think about it. Someone - let's call her Jack Daniels - said "Tres cool!" and got MAD AT ME for telling her that saying "Tres cool!" is tres lame.
NOT FAIR.

And now, I'm being snubbed. I guess it's a good thing I don't like whisky, jerks.