Fucking Zombies.

I dreamed about them again last night. In my dream, they came to my annual Christmas Potluck party. They crashed it. Fucking zombies - that's crossing the line.
I tried to Google Image "zombie" but the results scared me so there's no pic for this post.

"Just DON'T fall in the milk!!!"

Mr. In Charge ranted today about how stupid the movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids is...
Not the concept of the movie - but the way the kids react to their unfortunate circumstances.

He was like, "So I hate how they went to the lawn. Why would you go to the lawn!? You should go somewhere OBVIOUS and be like, 'HEY! I'm shrunk! DO something about it!!!' ... They're so stupid. And what's with the cereal part? They were so dumb. Just DON'T fall in the milk! And run away from the dustpan - hide behind something... and get on the table and like, move a cup! If I saw the cup move on it's own, I'd be like 'Hey - look at that!' and I'd look down and see them standing there. It's stupid. I hate it."

It was awesome.

Some of the best e-cards I've ever seen:

WEDDING!!! (woot woot!!!)

Guess what?
Finally - after being engaged for two and a half years - we're starting to talk WEDDING!!!
I just emailed the sales contact so we should be signing a contract next weekend... SCARY!!!
Here's my dress - it looks like Paris Hilton is wearing it. That's definitely not me:

And here is a rough idea of what I want for a cake (minus all the swirls):

And using all this as a guide, my friend Sammo (www.alliknowistonight.blogspot.com) and her hubby are going to work on some pretty little invitations and other stationery...
That's about all I got. I'm just excited.

Stay tuned... wedding date is set to be May 29, 2010 so I have a ridiculous amount of time to be obsessed with all of this. (I hope that date is still available...)

Baby Dog's a Bitch

Baby Dog pissed on the floor THREE TIMES last night.
What is her problem? We need to get her signed up for puppy classes, because she's being a bitch.
And also - she bit Beaner's dad on the face and made him bleed for like 10 minutes. She bit me a bunch of times too, and gave me a fat lip with her huge paw. She's being really bad. I feel like she's acting out because we haven't taken her for a walk in, oh... a week? Maybe more? So we are going to walk her tonight - and take her to the dog park on Sunday afternoon. But isn't that rewarding her bad behaviour?

I need to learn to think like a dog so I can figure this shit out.

PS: That's Nibbles holding the Baby Dog... she has a fancy watch. Nibbles - not Baby Dog. If I bought Baby Dog a fancy watch she'd just chew it and I'd get mad. Not that I bought Nibbles her watch, because I didn't. I need to stop now.

Not Feeling Funny Today

So - I must apologize for my boring blog yesterday... although today is not going to be much better. This place I call Hell that others call Work is leaving me totally uninspired.

This place has so much drama. It's actually ridiculous how catty and childish and RUDE a lot of the people around here can be. And the best part is - they all seem to think they are above it. Newsflash: you're not. For example:

If you were pushing 60, would you want to sit at the lunch table with the 20-somethings and roll your eyes at their 'this one time
I was soooo hammered...' stories? Or would you sit at the table with the other 50-somethings and chat about gardening?

If someone called you and asked if you were busy, would you say: "Am I busy? HA! That's funny. Am I busy..." or would you just say, "Actually yes I am - I have a lot going on at the moment."

If someone asked you to drop something in the mail for them, would you come back with a suggestion on how to better address a label, or would you just drop it in the damn mailbox and keep your bossy mouth shut?

Oh my - this place is making me a bitter biatch. I think it's making me age faster than I should.

Sorry for pissing and moaning... I can't help it - I'm just not feeling funny today.

Mail Merges

... make me want to kill myself.

Watercooler Conversations

And by watercooler, I mean lunch table...

Sauce Dances!

With Megoo, Nibbles, Wilfrid (previously known as Wilbur and then Wendel) & Mr. In Charge

Why were we even talking about this? I think it started because of the soya sauce.

The Soya Sauce Dance:
For some reason Wilfrid decided that Mr. In Charge should have a Soya Sauce Dance.
IT MAKES NO SENSE. It could have been a racial slur... But then we thought the Soya Sauce Dance would be much like the Salsa, except with a little less heat and a little more salt - whatever that means.

The Frank's Red Hot Sauce Dance:

And then Wilfrid said if he was a sauce dance, he would be Frank's Red Hot Sauce and he would just stand still. And we decided that would be boring as hell. That's when Nibbles got involved... and then we decided the dance would become hot as hell. Because Nibbles is pretty hot.

The Ketchup Dance:

At this point, Wilfrid then proceeded to jerk himself forward in this awkward sudden motion as though someone was slapping him on the ass with the butt of their hand, not unlike the way one would slap a ketchup bottle to get the ketchup out. It made me a little uncomfortable, I'm not going to lie.

The Gravy Dance:

So this is when I said if I was a dance, hands-down I'd be Gravy. And we were trying to figure out what the gravy dance would look like... it would be oozy at first, but as time wore on it would begin to coagulate. Megoo said the instructions would be like this:
And... turn and pivot and turn and pivot and COAGULATE! 2-3-4...COAGULATE! 2-3-4...

I'm not sure that blogging about this dance quite gives it justice.

But what goes with gravy? MASHED POTATOES. So Mr. In Charge said, "I'd be Mashed Potatoes." So - now let me set this up: I'm Gravy, and Mr. In Charge is Mashed Potatoes... and Wilfrid says, "So Gravy is doing its thing, and then Mashed Potatoes squirts in!" This is when I had to stop the conversation. It was getting a bit too sexual. And I'm engaged. JEEEEEEEZUS.

Missed Opportunity...

With Megoo

Everyone has had a school crush. So everyone can relate to this one. I'm just going to script the conversation (between me and Megoo) - with a secret blogname for the crush, of course... We're going to call him Pizza Pizzerton. BECAUSE I LOVE PIZZA. Not because his name sounds like... nevermind.

Last week:

M: So my boyfriend and his friend, Pizza, were sitting on the couch...

N: Wait - his friend Pizza? Is Pizza's last name Pizzerton?
M: Yeah, Pizza Pizzerton!

N: Hey I know that guy! I went to school with him - I had a crush on him in Grade 6!

M: Hahhahaa...

N: But he didn't like me back, jerkface. Oh, my dashed self-esteem... *tear!

Today:
M: Hey I told Pizza about you.

N: What did you say?
M: I said, "Hey my friend knows you - do you know Nikki?"

N: Did he know me?

M: Yeah - he said, "Yeah I remember her! I had a crush on her in Grade 6!"

N: HA! Really? You're lying.

M: No - that's what he said. And I said, "She said the same thing!"

N: Hahaha... And what did he say?

M: "Huh. Missed opportunity, I guess."

Facegasms (oh God...)

With Megoo & Nibbles

I really like sneezing. So I mentioned this when someone sneezed.
I said, "Do you like sneezing? I really love sneezing."
And Megoo (who always just gets it) said, "Oh yeah - it's like an orgasm exploding out of your face!"

Totes. I completely agree.

But just in case I didn't, she followed it with, "It is! You know when it's coming and then it's like an explosion!"

And then Nibbles wanted to say something, but she thought it would be inappropriate. I don't know what it could be, but at this point... what is inappropriate?

Sidenote: The whole time I was trying to write this, Mr. In Charge wouldn't stop talking like a robot and it was incredibly distracting. PS: I work in a mental institution.

Really?! REALLY?!?!?!

Last night I was plagued by awful dreams... AGAIN.

Why do I have such vivid, disturbing dreams all the time?! Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm like Wes Craven, and maybe I should be making money off of these damn nightmares too! Because it's really NOT COOL.

I remember three separate dreams:

THE FIRST:
I was at work. Doing regular work stuff. And that sucks - because then the alarm goes off, and guess what? I have to go to work for real and it's like I just worked a double.

THE SECOND:
I had yet another zombie dream. No werewolves this time - but it was like, a continuation of the first zombie dream... I distinctly remember remembering my last dream during this dream, if that makes any sense. But at least this dream was a little better because there were no werewolves as I said - AND - I inexplicably had the power to become invisible. That, and a car horn (?) was my only defense against the zombies... I tried outrunning them in the car, but the car was so slow, and couldn't make it up a hill - so instead I just honked at them and it scared them for a bit, but then they got used to it and all I could rely on were my powers of invisibility. Whatever - the point is... the zombies need to get out of my head. It's affecting my quality of life.

Oh hey - that reminds me - my friend Nibbles looks out for me, and she let me know that every October there is a Zombie Walk in Toronto and that I should stay away from the city on that day... Thanks Nibbles!!! Because - say I was to randomly decide to go to Toronto on THAT DAY... and I go into a store, and come out and the street is full of zombies... well I think I would probably drop dead on the spot. I would look like the girl in the closet in The Ring. Totes. I would. So she pretty much saved my life... Nibbles is a good girl. (Megoo gave Nibbles her name - I stole it!)

Oh and furthermore to this zombie rant - me and Nibbles and our friend Mr. In Charge were talking about the nightmare, and Nibbles said it's a damn good thing there aren't really zombies in real life... and I said, yeah - because if there were, I'd just off myself. And then Mr. In Charge said if zombies came into the office he'd start doing the Thriller dance, and I said he's a lying sack of crap - and to prove my point I demonstrated just how a zombie would walk into the office... and I scared myself. Now I'm afraid because say they did come into the office - I would be trapped in the corner... this would become Pod Certain Doom. Oh God I hope that doesn't happen...

THE THIRD (AND WORST OF ALL):

I dreamed I was on my way to a party - and guess who was driving? None other than Henry Hill. I was stuck in a car with him. I don't mean Ray Liotta in Goodfellas - I mean "Henry Hill" ... which is the nickname Wendel and I gave to this guy we work with who is pretty much the most annoying guy in the history of the world. I think I can honestly say I've never detested any one person so much in my life. And not only is he annoying - but he's a rat. Hence the nickname, Henry Hill. Anyway - being stuck in a car with him is way worse than any zombie situation I could ever find myself in.

So yeah - didn't sleep well. I'm tired.

Why is snacking so difficult? And why is it so damn cold?!

Lunch is not until 12:30 and it's 12:09 - and I've been hungry since at least 11:46. I have some snacks stashed in my desk... I have a bag of organic pumpkin seeds, and several bags of chipnuts: Ranch , Salt & Vinegar and Dill Pickle. Since I'm hungry, I've decided to bust into my pantry cupboard in my desk. This should be a happy ending to an otherwise annoying story.
BUT NO.
The pumpkin seeds taste like cigarette butts. Organic, my ass!
And the Ranch Chipnuts are KILLING my teeth. I had to give them away! (*tear!)
So I'm still hungry, and it's still not lunch time, and this Pomegranate Green Tea I'm drinking is, contrary to popular belief, NOT suppressing my appetite!!!!!

And furthermore - it's so damn cold in here, I'm actually wearing my gloves. For real. And it's making it really hard to type... so I have backspaced more times than forwardspaced I think. This place is not-for-profit, and it's 'fiscal year end' - so I think they've shut off the heat in order to make budg. Assholes.

The lack of heat is causing my already low level of productivity at work to sink even lower... because I'm cold, I have to pee more often. I really don't know why - Megoo is going to Wikipedia it for me - but it makes me leave my desk a lot. And also because I'm cold, I drink more herbal tea to keep warm... which means I leave my desk a lot to make tea and chat in the lunchroom. Hey - maybe it's the tea that's making me pee, not the cold? Either way, they are still assholes. TURN ON THE DAMN HEAT!

uh-oh... Honey, the horoscope says you're gay!

Ha!
Today my horoscope was (as always) pretty much spot on... It's creepy how accurate it tends to be. So, for shits & giggles, I thought I'd check Beaner's (my fiance's) horoscope - and this is what I got:

Taurus
Your key planet Venus receives a wake-up call from shocking Uranus today, opening your eyes to what's right in front of your face. It can also send electrical currents into your heart to open you up to a new kind of love. Being unconventional isn't your regular cup of tea, yet today you are able to wear your individuality well.

hahahahahaha...oh man... he's going to be SO mad at me if he reads this!!!

Bad Things, Good Things...

So - the weekend is just way too short. I mean, honestly - it should be 5 days off, 2 days on (but with the same salary.)

Saturday:
We took Baby Dog to the vet in the morning - mostly for her next set of shots, but also to address this poop-eating habit she has picked up. It really upsets me that my dog eats poop. My dog eats poop! It's so disgusting. I mean granted - she's eating old, hard poop... it's not like she drops a steamer and turns around and starts chowing down - if she did that, I think I would have to disown her. But still - eating old, hard poop is still pretty gross. That first day - I caught her, and was so disgusted I gave her a bath immediately. She wasn't dirty in the conventional sense... but she was dirty to me. And then, for the rest of the day, I only referred to her as "Filthy Poo-Eater" - and she looked at me like she was offended. And I thought we had gotten over it... she didn't eat poop for two days after that. And now, she has started again. The vet says it's because the mom eats the puppies' poop to keep the kennel clean, and the puppy picks up on the habit. I think it's because she's a Filthy Poo-Eater.

Bad Thing: Baby Dog psychologically eff'd - she eats poop.
Good Thing: Baby Dog is physically healthy - and will now never contract the dreaded Kennel Cough (dun dun dun)
Side Note: As I read this, I think: "Ha! She called the shit 'poop'!"

Sunday:
I woke up feeling like ASS. I couldn't sleep. Well actually - I could sleep, but I wished I hadn't because I had these terrifying dreams... There were zombies chasing me. They wanted my heart. And then - there were werewolves too. They wanted my flesh. I know that zombies usually want brains, but in this case they were going for my heart. Either way, it's terrifying. Especially terrifying if you have an inexplicable (and irrational) fear of zombies. Fear isn't even the word - I am terrified of them. It's actually really sad. And werewolves terrify me too. I don't like the way they transform - it's incredibly disturbing.
Anyway, these nightmares (plural - because I wake up and fall back to sleep and BAM! I'm once again being chased by zombies and werewolves... I can't escape this nightmare!) - these nightmares really messed with my head, and I was kind of still scared all day. It was dreary and rainy and I felt like the zombies and werewolves could possibly still be after me. It's annoying because it's irrational.

Bad Thing: Zombies and werewolves haunt me in my sleep.
Good Thing: Zombies and werewolves don't haunt me in real life.
Side Note: One time not too long ago, my fiancee was pretending to be a zombie and it scared me so much I punched him in the face. I warned him first though. He was still pretty pissed about it.

That's about all I have to say right now - I'm sure as the day goes on, I'll have plenty of work-related bullshit to bitch about!

For Megoo

Today I was telling my friend Megoo a story - and she thought I was so cool I should start a blog! So this blog is dedicated to Megoo. I couldn't choose a title though - because titles are too much commitment. Obviously.

PS: That's not her real name. I've changed it to protect her - because she's innocent. She's not one of the guilty ones... you'll know if someone's guilty because their fake name WILL NOT BE VERY NICE!

Moving on ...

Today was a rather shitty day here at the crap office in Pod Perfect. (That's where I live - Pod Perfect aka Pod Fart because someone keeps coming in here, saying something stupid, dropping a fart bomb, and leaving ... that someone would be ummm... let's name her Jaberwakky - the boss.)

The week is dragging, and I have decided that the odds of me dropping dead at my keyboard are quite high. But, in a perfect world, I would die and then immediately become one of those cobweb-ridden skeletons, hunched over my keyboard at a pathetic angle, to-do list in hand, still in tact... not unlike One-eyed Willy. Because that's how I feel right now.

Speaking of my To-Do List - I've started to add stupid things, just so I can cross them off, just so I look busy. I have added:

Lunch (check)
Check email (check)
Tea (check)
Random photocopies (check)
Shred some stuff (check)

You know, I don't know why I do this - the only one who actually reads my To-Do List is me. So I'm only lying to myself here. Huh.

4:31.
29 minutes til the weekend (woot woot!!!)

Is saying woot woot tres lame? Saying tres anything is tres lame.

QUESTION:
If you actually in real life said out loud the words, "Tres cool!"... and someone called you on it, and told you that saying that is "Tres lame"... would you get mad?

Just asking... Because that happened, and I think I would thank the person who called me on it, for helping me to never say something so ridiculous again... but instead - I got in trouble for making the correction.

This might be confusing to read... but think about it. Someone - let's call her Jack Daniels - said "Tres cool!" and got MAD AT ME for telling her that saying "Tres cool!" is tres lame.
NOT FAIR.

And now, I'm being snubbed. I guess it's a good thing I don't like whisky, jerks.